Support

Last night Bonnie talked to me about her concerns about my carrying a gun and having the permit. She wanted to know why I did it.  Was I afraid of something?  She was concerned that I carried in the house when she wasn’t home, which I don’t really do now; it was more when we first moved into the house and usually only when there seems to be a lot of ruckuses outside.  She asked if we should sell the house and move to another neighborhood if I’m that afraid of living there.

It was an adjustment when I first moved in there because all the places I lived, minus my mom’s house had always been on the top floor; for two reasons one I don’t want noise above me and two I feel safer when someone can’t just walk up to my window.  I eventually got used to living on ground level with only an occasional concern, usually when I am alone and I start getting into my head too much.

She also mentioned how she feels I’m pretty obsessed about guns and shooting, which is something my ex mentioned as well.  She said that she recently found out that her friend Doug had a gun and in twenty years she never knew. She was implying that he never talks about it.  My only rebuttal to that was to ask her how long he had been shooting and her response was that he’s been doing since he was young.  I explained to her that I’m pretty new to it, I’m learning a lot of things, which causes me to talk about it a lot, it’s a new and exciting thing for me so I think a lot about it.

My only response to the question of carrying was because I can, it’s not that I’m afraid of anything, it’s just I chose to do so.  I also said, because she is aware of all the past experiences that I had and how lucky I am that nothing bad really happened in any of them and I am too and it was a question I pondered considerably while waiting to get my permit.  She understands why our chiropractor carries because she’s leaving the office late by herself and may even be carrying money but for me to carry, she doesn’t understand.  I why I carry even if I tell her sometimes I go out during the day and get home later at night and I know she has to understand that because it was her discussing her fears of coming home late at night that got her to agree to learning about gun safety and handling and to go shooting.

Over all, last night I felt pretty deflated about the whole thing, it made me realize I need to step back about talking about guns with her so she doesn’t judge and condemn me as obsessive.  It left me feeling as if I just don’t fit anywhere in this world and I feel as if I have no support in regards to my hobby/interest, other than this bog of course.  My family, other than my dad, who is supportive and encouraging, doesn’t agree or support me in any regards.  My mom and sister talk behind my back about it and that disturbs me too, I know that my mom is condemning and judging me over this and that bothers me.  All in all, I’m not going to stop shooting, learning as much as I can and I’m not going to stop carrying either.  If they want to hate me for it, that’s their problem, I’ve lacked support from my family for most of my life so not having it now shouldn’t matter but it does leave me feeling very alone. (10.1)